i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
