I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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