omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
