Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
