I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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