The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
