i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
