the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
