Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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