the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
