Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
