You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
