for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize