i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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