your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize