The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
