Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
