$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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