my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
