so that wasnt chicken after all
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Pants are for mortals
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
