Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
