do herpes really smell.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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