so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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