She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
