in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
