Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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