i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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