Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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