I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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