Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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