The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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