Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
