Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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