Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
