dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
