Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
