Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
