the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
