I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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