I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We are all done wearing pants today
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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