my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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