just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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