eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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