seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
