I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
