i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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