I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
