i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
