I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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