i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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