Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
