found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i believe in u and ur pee
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