In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
