sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
no you cant smoke seaweed
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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