I puked a lego.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
