Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
