He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
