I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
