some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
