My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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