Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
