I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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