I only kidnapped one of them. chill
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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