I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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