the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
