This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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