FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
